Crashing into the Italian Alps lair of America-hating criminal mastermind GUSTAV GIGANTE, suave superspy DIRK KANE foils his arch-enemy’s plan to destroy the U.S. Department of Commerce with a giant space magnifying glass. But after Dirk lets Gigante escape in order to save the life of his Russian lover TATYANA BOMBADESKI (and accidentally turning the Washington Monument into the world’s largest charcoal briquette), Secret Intelligence Agency head “O” fires Dirk, citing his recklessness and inability to follow orders. Continuing his run of bad luck, Dirk loses his house and all his money in a Monte Carlo casino, and has no choice but to slink back to his hometown – Plainsville, Iowa.
With no real-world job skills and unable to tell people where he’s been the past fifteen years (it’s “classified”), Dirk winds up getting hired for the only job he’s qualified for – store greeter at the local Big Mart Superstore, run by his old high school nemesis CLYDE JONES, who does everything he can to humiliate Dirk. The only saving grace is that perky, cute checkout girl CINDY LOU HONEYGALORE takes a liking to Dirk, and when he learns she’s a romance novel buff yearning for adventure, the feeling becomes mutual. Part of Dirk still wants to go after Gigante, but the charms of small-town life grow on him, especially after he uses a number of handy Big Mart items to save Cindy Lou from a gang of robbers, and she thanks him with a wild night of lovemaking.
But then a newspaper article helps Dirk put two and two together, and he becomes convinced that folksy Big Mart founder GUS BIGGERS is actually Gigante, up to no good as usual. Dirk’s suspicions are confirmed when Biggers flies him, Cindy Lou and Clyde to Washington DC, ostensibly to thank Dirk for his heroics, but in reality so that Gigante can reveal his true grand plans to his arch-nemesis one last time. Can Dirk stop Gigante from using Congress and Big Mart to destroy America’s economy? Does James Bond drink vodka martinis?
